koniecJanuára

31. january 2013 at 20:34 | Amaya |  2013 n.l.
Jeden z dní, keď naozaj nechcem byť sama.

Inokedy sa aj idem roztrhnúť, aby som mohla v kľude pozerať film, seriál, čítať knihu, potichu si kresliť, (v mojom prípade) aj spievať, užívať si voľno sama so sebou.. a to ticho.
Ale. Dnes. Nie. Teraz sa cítim ako pokrytec (?), pretože si vlastne VYBERÁM, kedy chcem byť s niekým a kedy nie.
Spoločnosť mi kedysi každý víkend a prázdniny robila moja najlepšia sesternica, Anna, ale chúďa, je už na smrť unavená tu sedieť a počúvať moje drísty.
Možno aj preto som sa vrátila k tomuto blogu, nech toho počúva menej. Ale ja ju naozaj mám rada;
Až na to, že neviem hovoriť takto otvorene pred ňou, takže ani sama to nevie. Ale samozrejme vie, že sme si blízke. Len moje správanie môže byť niekedy.. distracting. A potom môže byť zmätená, chúďa.
A nevyčítam jej to. Len som potom sklamaná, ako dnes. Ako teraz. Že sa nejdeme "spolu hrať" ako kedysi. Keď sme boli malé, veď viete, tie hry na lekárov, papierovačky, blabla, my sme mali bagetériu...No a teraz je to podobné.
Bolo, kým sme nedospeli. Niečo sa zmenilo. Anna sa ma "nebojí", teda rozpráva, melie, čo je dobré pre nás, lebo ovláda slovenčinu (yay!). To nemalo znieť ironicky.
Zároveň sa vieme o hocičom...dohodnúť, predtým som bola dosť hnusná, ale to asi vplyvom ostatných. Teda, ako som zistila.
No a aj preto keď teraz príde k nám spať na noc, tak ja čumím do počítača a robím si svoje, ona do iPodu, robí si svoje a raz za mesiac kukáme film. V podstate ju obdivujem, že ju to u nás neomrzelo.
Ale dnes nie.
Keď som sa jej to pýtala v správe, dúfala som v pozitívnu odpoveď, že aspoň to ma rozžiari v tento večer, ale ona tam pridala okrem nie, aj smajlíka, ktorého najviac neznášam.
A to ma asi zničilo. Teraz tu sedím, píšem, fňukám, hoci je to len banalita a potom vyhľadávam úžasných fotografov, cítim sa blbo, prichádza pocit menejcennosti, a zase "akožedepky".
A som späť v tom kruhu. Dúfala som v obrat. V rozuzlenie, ktoré má pre mňa len dobré správy. Najviac sa bojím, že tieto čierne dni prídu do stereotypu. Vôbec si to neviem predstaviť.

Idem sa asi sama počičíkať a pozriem si nejaký film a možno pri ňom zaspím a bude mi fajn.
 


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